Most of us know the 5 basic Love Languages, or if you don’t, here they are:
- Words of Affirmation
- This language is about the spoken or written word and the specific emotional weight it carries. For those with this preference, words serve as a primary “emotional currency” to build trust and security.
- Appreciation: Focused on genuine acknowledgment and specific compliments for your efforts and personal victories, making you feel truly seen and valued
- Encouragement: Verbal support that bolsters your spirit or inspires courage when you are facing challenges or pursuing a dream (e.g., “I believe in you” or “You have what it takes”).
- Kindness: The tone and spirit of communication. It involves using soft, respectful language even during disagreements and frequently expressing basic warmth (e.g., “I’m so lucky to be with you”).
- Humble Requests: Feeling valued when a partner asks for your help or opinion in a way that respects your autonomy and highlights your skills, rather than making demands.
- Quality Time:
- This language centers on togetherness and focused attention. It is not about the quantity of hours spent in the same room, but the quality of the interaction and the intention behind it.
- Emotional Presence: Feeling loved when your partner offers empathy, support, and is present for deep, personal conversations and difficult emotions.
- Intellectual Connection: Connecting through the mind, valuing your partner’s intelligence, respecting their opinions, and engaging in thoughtful discussions or debates.
- Activity: When a partner takes an interest in and participating in your specific hobbies and passions.
- Daily Rituals: Sometimes, small, consistent windows of connection, such as a 10-minute “debrief” after work or sharing a morning coffee without technology or other distractions.
- Acts of Service
- For this language, love is shown by doing helpful things that ease a partner’s burden of responsibilities. Helping with everyday duties, chores, and favours without being asked, making your daily load lighter.
- Logistical: Feeling loved when a partner handles the “mental load” or “life admin” – tasks like grocery shopping, fixing a broken appliance, or managing schedules without being asked.
- Supportive: Feeling valued when a partner steps in specifically during your high-stress moments, such as handling chores so you can focus on a deadline, bringing you tea or cooking when you are sick.
- Sacrificial: Acknowledging the depth of love when a partner prioritizes your needs or comfort over their own convenience, showing that your well-being is their top priority.
- Physical Touch
- This language is about the physical presence and the biological connection between partners. The feeling of connection through physical contact and affection. This includes both sexual and non-sexual touch, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, or sitting close together – from subtle public gestures to private intimacy.
- Incidental/Non-Sexual: Feeling secure through small, frequent points of contact throughout the day, such as a hand on the shoulder, a squeeze of the hand, or brushing past each other in the kitchen.
- Grounding: Utilizing touch as a form of emotional regulation; for example, a long hug after a bad day that helps you feel safe and “held” in the midst of chaos.
- Intimate: Connecting through concentrated physical closeness, including cuddling while watching a movie or the deeper bonding found in sexual intimacy.
- Receiving Gifts
- This language is about valuing the thoughtfulness and effort behind a tangible token of affection. It is not about materialism; it could be something as simple as a favourite snack or a hand-picked flower.
- Thoughtfulness/Observation: Feeling loved when a gift shows the partner was listening, such as a specific book you mentioned months ago or a snack you love but rarely buy for yourself.
- The “Just Because”: Valuing small, spontaneous tokens of affection that prove the partner thinks of you even when you are apart (e.g., picking up a unique stone or a flower during a walk).
- Symbolic/Occasional: Attaching deep meaning to gifts given during milestones, where the effort put into the presentation and the “hunt” for the perfect item reflects the importance of the relationship.
Everybody has different wants and needs, but it’s best to learn it directly from your partner. Ask them what their love languages are, early on in a relationship.
Things also work a bit differently if your partner is neurodivergent, so here are the more niche “Love Languages”; For folks, like myself, these are some that might apply to you, according to your own needs:
- Parallel Play / Body Doubling (Quality Time)
- Valuing presence and spending time together without direct interaction, rather, simply existing in the same space while doing separate activities. Basically being “alone together”.
- Parallel Play: Engaging in separate activities (e.g., reading different books/working) in the same room without the pressure to perform social cues or maintain conversation.
- Body Doubling: Using a partner’s physical presence as an anchor to help with focus or executive function tasks, such as cleaning or working, without direct help.
- Info-Dumping (Can be part of Quality Time)
- Sharing a large amount of detailed information about topics one is passionate about as a form of intimate connection. It is a sign of deep trust and safety. Sharing a passion is an invitation into the individual’s inner world. If you are their partner, show genuine interest in the topic, even if it is unfamiliar to you.
- Vulnerability: For many, sharing a niche interest is a high-risk act of trust, as these passions are often met with judgment elsewhere.
- Affection: Sharing knowledge is a gift of cognitive energy; to listen actively is to validate that the partner’s intensity or passion is beautiful, and not them being “too much” or annoying.
- Penguin Pebbling (Receiving Gifts)
- Giving small, seemingly random tokens or items, that remind you of the other person – that you are thinking of them; Much like how penguins give each other pebbles to show affection.
- Low-Pressure Tokens: Inspired by penguins gifting pebbles, this includes sending a meme, a specific leaf, a “cool rock,” or a link to an article related to partner’s interests.
- Digital Sharing: Exchanging memes, GIFs, and links as a form of intimate communication. In the current age, it’s probably something normal folks already do too.
- Thinking-of-You: It is less about monetary value and more about the non-verbal message: “I saw this and recognized your world”.
- Support Swapping/Spoon Sharing (Acts of Service)
- Practical, mutual help designed to navigate executive dysfunction or sensory overwhelm. Requires having a good understanding of specific needs and providing targeted support.
- Spoon Sharing: Proactively handling tasks that a partner finds “expensive” in terms of mental energy. Like a partner handling all appointments/stressful phone calls, while the other handles all cooking. One person handles a task they find easy but the other finds overwhelming.
- Mutual Scaffolding: Recognizing each/other’s neurological barriers and collaborating to make life easier without judgment. It is a form of mutual aid and empathy, acknowledging that energy (“spoons”) is limited.
- Deep Pressure (Physical Touch)
- Showing care through comforting, firm touch such as weighted blankets, firm hugs, or general physical pressure that provides soothing input.
- Firm: Calm the nervous system and help the body feel secure after a stressful day.
- Sensory-Safe Touch: Prioritizing consensual, predictable physical contact that respects sensory thresholds over spontaneous or light touch. Best to know your partner’s specific needs, some might not mind spontaneity.
Another neurodivergent love language that speaks to me is:
- Intellectual Intimacy
- Feeling most connected and loved through the mind, when their partner understands and values their thinking process and perspectives, even challenging it. Appreciating intelligence(in their areas of interest, not general IQ), respecting their opinions, and engaging in thoughtful, deep discussions on topics they are curious or care about, e.g. philosophy, current events, or shared interests. It is not limited to academic or bookish partners, but rather, it is fundamentally about mental stimulation, curiosity, critical thinking, and a shared passion for understanding the world, serving as meaningful expressions of affection. In essence — to be understood intellectually, not just through emotional or physical closeness.
- Deep Conversations: Engaging in thoughtful discussions on philosophy, current events, shared interests, or complex ideas. A desire to understand your partner’s inner world and learn from them, not just agree. Feeling deeply connected by a partner’s intelligence and ability to keep up with your thoughts.
- Kindness in challenging assumptions:
- Builds Trust: Creates a safe space to share inner thoughts freely.
- Deepens Connection: Helps partners see the world through each other’s eyes, fostering growth.
- Resilience: Transforms passion into lasting companionship, especially for neurodivergent individuals.
For me personally, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Body Doubling, Intellectual Intimacy and Info-Dumping are something I have recognised as my needs. Everyone is different, so remember to self-reflect and find out more about yourself and make it clear to your partner, so your partner can love you in the ways that you deserve to be loved, while you do the same for them too.